my Mouth is full. your heart is An apple.

OR, grass girl, INSIDE MY EYE.

2005-08-16T01:42:13Z

ocean breeze + blackberry trees

2005-08-14T03:37:45Z

my updates have been slow because I don't know how many words there are to share. I like them so much that I'm feelin' greedy.

there a select few that I am anxious to get to know. Like the girl who trusts my requests. I am anxious for some to return. Like the girl on the dead sea. I am anxious for some to recover, like the girl with the ice packs on her mouth. And anxious for some to come back to life. Like the girl who fell asleep so young.

At least I have her incarnate:

Sun rippened and bathing in salted seas, Gabriel Burke.

Captured by my lens.

grotesquerose @ 2005-08-12T15:20:00

2005-08-12T19:22:10Z

"I really went all out this time. Literally."

grotesquerose @ 2005-08-02T12:29:00

2005-08-02T16:30:15Z

grotesquerose @ 2005-07-26T10:00:00

2005-07-26T14:19:28Z

grotesquerose @ 2005-07-25T10:37:00

2005-07-25T14:38:46Z

http://artpad.art.com/gallery/?ik5n403vppg

by my Penny. My Camera.

grotesquerose @ 2005-07-22T10:50:00

2005-07-22T14:52:29Z

"Elise, I love you. I love you so much--you have no idea. I love you more than I love not being on the surface of the sun, because that's where I'm headed. I think I'll take eggs along and crack them on the asphalt as I go."

-Thomas.

grotesquerose @ 2005-07-22T10:12:00

2005-07-22T14:13:15Z

My baby brother says, What's this the key to?

I said, My heart, kid.

He says, Your heart?

I nodded.

"Then open it."

grotesquerose @ 2005-07-16T15:26:00

2005-07-16T19:48:51Z

Here is my update from work. My desk is filled with paper work and unpaid bills and my laptop is whispering some Bright Eyes. God forbid that the girls in the next room hear those shakin' words of such unsatisfaction with love.

Shannon and I had a short bite to eat and witnessed a short violent rainstorm. We watched a Mom cling to her daughter tight but stand underneath a Starbucks umbrella instead of taking the few short steps inside. It was the perfect experience. I hope her daughter gets that.

My Mother is helping girls find their perfect gown. She points out every detail that will add to their night of life long promises. I am unsure if she is God or a slave or a liar. or an angel.

And I am swimming in my bad behavior. I am laughing at a terrible set of painted nails. I am leaving my window open.

Yesterday, I cut a boy's hair and kept it in my Girl's cigarette jar. I swam in a rain-made bog with my clothes on, with that same boy. And my brothers. We through ourselves into the muddiest part of heaven and didn't wash our halos. And soon we stripped off our silk and screamed "hello!" to the devil. And I liked it. I liked it a lot..

The room is filling, the floor we dedicate changes to, called Alterations.

They are smiling bright because they feel the freshness of difference.

And I do, too. Even though I'm locked away in my quarters, afraid to smile back. Laura is downstairs, more than happy to smile back, but afraid of other things. I hope she smiles when she reads this.

What is it to be an employee?

We understand eachother. The closest of cults.

Baby: now my song's a flood.

2005-07-14T14:10:16Z

Dear string ridden orchestras, on the morning day and night of number in July.

Do you blame me for this abandonement. I have just been living it without a thought to recite. And Since Or left, I haven't wanted to say she's gone. . . So it's been harder to write of the events, the days. She told me to stop praying, that she'll be back soon. my body reacted in trembles and shreiks. The highest highs of pitch.

I still want a baby, so far I'm only pregnant with the moon. I realized that I like the sun more, than all lunar. I had been afraid of the sun because it's hard to look at such a perfect shape. But, I asked Sara's paper fortune teller about when I'll conceive and it said something about a broken mountain. Then she lost the teller. I wonder if the teller knew it's own fate while it told us ours.

I;ve been waiting for this predicted hurricane. Last night, I sat outside my house at day change and spoke of how this hurricane wasn't good enough and a voice said, "I'm sorry, I'll get you a new one". And I liked that.

I caught a beautiful baby turtle who I named Suzanne after the song about the river. Gabriel says she's partial to me because in the canoe she sat on my bare foot for our three mile trip. They say painted turtles are hard to catch. She is a mere one fourth of my smaller-than-rain hands. I call her she, she, though, is a boy.

The sky looks like snow which would feel so nice in humidity. The sky is such a tease. I pray for volleys and a raspberry breeze, And soon I realize that the sky’s a tease.

I started living something that was once a given up opportunity. And now I need a tea bath for calming. Or a balloon to releasing. Or a voice for screaming.

I wish martyrs ate more cotton candy. I am sure they wouldn't have sacrificed themselves. Cotton candy and loud laughs.

grotesquerose @ 2005-06-16T09:57:00

2005-06-16T14:35:48Z

Dear dears, on the only June 16th 2oo5 you'll ever experience:

I know a buttercoated gypsy dancer with popcorn eyes + a boy with tears who I clearly despise.

k k k k k iss me.

Lately I wear a beatle on my arm. Sometimes my ankle, but always the same side, always the right.

Lately I have a new hole in my ear. Right above my fifth. Now, I have six, in all. A little bit of the girl who made that hole seeped in, I suppose and now. I could never dream of ridding myself. Of her.

Lately I steal things like beat up red aprons from Pearl, the art store. And books like, "The Story of O."

Lately, I've been wearing jeans with holes on the back on my thighs.

Lately I want a baby, and lately I want to name her all the colors of the bottom of the ocean.

A pretty girl asked me to tell her five things about myself. And those are five, I realize, but they aren't perfect.Some things are perfect, because flaw is absolute.

I think, Lainie, that hands are the prettiest of flowers. (one.)

That's about me, isn't it? I think that thinking is better than knowing. (two)

I like to dance, inside my body and out. Like smoke dances. (three.)

I write with more descriptions than plots. (four)

And I won't do five. DOes that say enough?

Goodnight, day, morning, loves.

grotesquerose @ 2005-06-14T18:21:00

2005-06-14T22:24:25Z

grotesquerose @ 2005-06-13T11:34:00

2005-06-13T15:45:20Z

I want to remember a dream.

I was walking, my brother was sick and I was walking. I walked far and I saw a boy's back, and he was fishing. I was in Ocean City. He must have been on the bayside. The street names were numbers. I saw this boy's back, the fishing boy, and started to run. I saw a man and asked who the fishing boy was. He said his name and that he either lived on 3rd, 14th, or 7th street. [in.that.order]. I ran to find him, at night, I saw his face which wasn't like his back and I put my head against his and said hello. It was the most love I've ever had.

we. Got in a car, he said that he lived here without his mother [or father]. But, he wanted to show me his older brother who lived a few blocks up, we drove on the grass with a couple in the backseat, his friends. The girl wore three necklaces, one of them had a charm of two different hands, holding. I gave him my necklace, a heart of diamonds that my Aunt gave to mewhen I was in third grade. He wore in on his neck. I remember exactly what he looked like.

My Mother woke me up, looking for the phones. I tried to get back inside that dream. I couldn't.

MISTY HARBOR.

2005-06-10T01:00:26Z

half of me: on-the-road.

Our. driver. Our Rear view diver.

a ghost, is born. On our motel bed.

sleepy eyed when the champagne dried.

light[h]er.

To drown: In a nightgown.

Failing the test of the womb.

ode to perfection: My wife, my life.

Feared beard. in a thirft store kimono.

(dead end friend.)

halfeaten apple piercing, by Or.

Grabbing the sun with a magnet.

Sun-dried body fruit.

GOODBYE, Highway.

grotesquerose @ 2005-06-02T08:28:00

2005-06-02T12:42:38Z

to kiss a being who tastes like cigarettes and soap. Tastes different everytime.

but, I like it. I hate it. I love it. I ate it.

I had a dream last night, too vivid, it was too real. It scared me, to death. I was in a big house with Shannon and Or. These two unknown men came in, we tried to lock them in the basement and then they pulled out weapons on us. Guns and knives. They told us to get undressed and get in the pool. We were terrfied: close to naked and shaking, near tears. Somehow, Luke appeared, I suppose he had Andy and Ben with him. Luke shot these men, to death, then got angry with Andy and Ben, and killed them, in very brutal, slow ways. I cried, in agony and intense fear of Luke. Then he counted us and realized he hadn't enough bullets for us, who were witnesses. It took us a very long time to get home, but we couldn't function. We were afraid of every second. And I was in so much pain-about the death. (of Andy) that I watched happen.

Days went by, people tried to clear my mind, including Gabe and Noah. I started to explain Noah things about Luke and my relationship, when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I used the term hooking up and Luke confronted me later, saying it was more than that and that he wanted to be with me.

I was. so. Afraid. And ... . .. . I talked to Andy's mother, all teh while, no one but us girls knew it had been Luke.,

Oh God, I woke up, thinking he was dead.

I suppose.. . . That... . . It's easy to understand the dream.

I. Am late. I need to. Go. ........ . .

I shouldn';t have shared that. so kiss me.

grotesquerose @ 2005-05-31T07:19:00

2005-05-31T11:34:46Z

awake too early + praying.

with nice words, and smiles. To tempt God with the happiness of human form, which is what ... . . He likes. Right?

I want to make love and eat pineapple.

I want to overdose on vitamins.

I want to wear anklets with loud bells.

I want to go to Ocean City . .. . . Now.

I want to kiss everyone that I love.

I want to make my babies worry less.

I want to.. . . make. .. . .my. ... babies.

O Astrud.

I want to be named for a pretty song.

(Oh. ... Wait.. . )

I want to follow a path, where there are power lines and a violin playing.

I want to hold a balloon and not be scared to let it go.

I want more people to be like my parents.

<e. l . i s .e eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. From the towering castles of a land I haven't yet named. With nice [white] wine.>

g l i d e.

2005-05-30T14:19:48Z

I'm kisssssing the idea of going to the beach. I think it's going to happen.

With Or, Kenny and maybe a pretty Shannon. A big house, Or says, all I asked is, "Do they have wine glasses?". .. .

The end of the week named for the vacation. But, it'll be near death. A glimpse of heaven. How I look forward to the trip.

Today I need to buy clothes and rid my cold.

I'm buying the world for a girl, and letting her wear the constellations as earrings. I love the girl who leaves me love letters in my mailbox and a picture of hospital days. I like, the smiles. I like how it was a year ago today, that the picture was taken. I love. The girl.

I want to buy the world. And her wear those stars. As earrings.

where the willows weep + the whirpools sleep: You'll find me.

2005-05-29T13:48:49Z

I am a girl of a sore throat and wish for the beach.

I want my girls to kiss me. I wrote that if I would be in love with a girl, it'd be Or, but she loved a lady already, like the sun likes to shine on the moon. Like sun discovers more and more as time goes on. Undressing that moon with light.

I got a dying flower, short note, and key in my mailbox. Will the donor leave me words of reply? I am wearing, as he wished, his key around my neck.

I am unsure why I'll need it, but the writer said that one day I will... . ... . really need it. I want to know what it unlocks.

I saw a movie that made me lose my head. I loved it like I love to dip my toes in rivers. Sex, Lies and Videotapes.

I wanted to kiss the impotent boy a million and one times. I think boys that can't have sex are maybe the biggest turn on.

I want to right that Night mare from the song. (with a december black pslam.)

With every sound I make, the less of the voice in my throat is mine. I blame tar and filth and myself.

In my dream, I wanted to buy a Lexus for my Father. And save a drowning girl. Her parents said she had to die now and I tried to save her. I held her close, smiling the whole time. Her hair was black as night and longlonglong. I told her not be to afraid to die. And she seemed okay, the whole time. I was more scared.

I want to name my daughter O Astrud. The past weeks, I've played the song for my womb, Astrud Astrud. And made my screen name o astrud, how I love the idea of her.

My eyes are bright white today. Sea foam.. .. . . The white, not aqua. And, sickness. Not shame.

Kiss for me, readers, Eachother.

grotesquerose @ 2005-05-22T17:52:00

2005-05-22T21:55:57Z

grotesquerose @ 2005-05-22T11:06:00

2005-05-22T15:26:20Z

memory that needs to be repressed.

babies kissing, a grandmother who faded into a scare, an upside down dinosaur skeletor, a milkman, a candle, tophat, a life.

(in the clouds).

whiteblanketeddream. caught in between. anoceansprayoflaziness.

jokes + hoax of real life truth.

2005-05-21T13:14:46Z

sip the drip, darlings, apple eating babies of the 17th century. You like cherries, too, But aren't they rare?

Life altering words getting thrown at me like rainfall, forced, quick and heavy. I was asking for a hurricane and I got a little thunder.

My head bled yesterday: the first time anyone found me passed out. Evelyn. When I woke, coughing, she yelled at me for nearly drowning, telling me I'm messing with her nerves. I liked it a bit. But cried, too because I was cold, and confused. With a headache and blood in my hair.

I played a game last night, with Gabriel, Aria, Kenny and Shannon. We sat and said true things outloud to eachother. I liked it.

We ran in the latenight, I wore no shoes oh, how easy it was to get lost. It was nice. We had, from Kenny's car, songs playing loud, after we laid there with, "To Shelia", the most appropriate song for the moment.

{I did not think I would see you again. Funny to think how the time gets away: Funny how you take me right back again: Funny the feeling we’re falling for this:

Stole me away.

First time I saw you, you did me that way. What should I say?
I saw you there dancin’, well I was afraid I might get in the way.. . . . . .

Never thought I would see you again: How have you been?
Watchin’ the years as they trickle away.}

After Aria and Gabriel faded out to their own homes, Shannon, Kenny and I sat on. Then I had a (very insisting) late(late)night visitor who wanted to throw rocks at my window, but I wasn't in my room. I went outside, guarded by an elusive Shannon and Kenny. He's called Akbar.

He wanted to walk and talk, I said just stand. He had a lot of feelings.

I didn't get too much sleep and Shannon is downstairs on the couch, sleeping the day away. But, she's so pretty in her peaceful cycle. I like it. I hope not to wake her.

I'd like to tickle a laugh and trickle a bath.

Kiss me, readers.

grotesquerose @ 2005-05-17T18:55:00

2005-05-17T23:02:34Z

slow and subtle: white bread, tight bread.

add in between: protein.

a smear on each side, to glorify in shades of dark lavender and peanut. A taste that I can't use words to descibe. An interracial love affair between brown and purple,

kissing and grasping, missing and lasting.

Their entire relationship is soon to end in tragedy. I made it for myself, I made them for me.

I made them love eachother so sweetly so I could suck out the passion, eat their sandwhiched contentment. Inhale their love.

slowly and subtly: fight bread, night bread.

you want to travel blind.

2005-05-13T16:40:12Z

Say goodbye to the mountain man, the lightly rinsed romance. The river.

(say goodbye to the mattress, the candle, idea.)

he had a dream of me last night: as I did him. I read the band a story, everyone listened close. I left with a member, the one I loved first.

Well, goodbye.

I don't believe Him. But, I love. . Him. . . and I have faith in his life; so live. So livelivelive. And I'll stand in the crowds and clap. Like the rest.

singCAESAR: i went to the thrift shop again
singCAESAR: and i bought a couple shirts and a vest
singCAESAR: but it wasnt over 10 bukcs
singCAESAR: so i couldnt use my charge card
singCAESAR: so i had to get something else
singCAESAR: so i bought the green shirt
singCAESAR: with the shoulder straps

singCAESAR: it was good
champaigne laugh: I went the other day.
champaigne laugh: I was going to buy it.
champaigne laugh: I'm glad I didn't.
singCAESAR: haha really
champaigne laugh: Yeah
singCAESAR: that would have been better
champaigne laugh: No.
champaigne laugh: I'm glad you bought it.
singCAESAR: ill give it to you
champaigne laugh: No
champaigne laugh: You should wear it.
singCAESAR: im not sure that i will
singCAESAR: just kinda wanted it to have it
singCAESAR: not to wear it
singCAESAR: so you can wear it
singCAESAR: or it could be our shirt
champaigne laugh: Yeah: it is our shirt.

(goodbye, say the tears.)

grotesquerose @ 2005-05-12T09:58:00

2005-05-12T14:04:19Z

oH: a casual me on the right and the grassy girl of another land, with her arm curving onto my shouldered arm. (my arm's on her leg).

what a life.

Noah and that beautiful girl and I: won. word contests.

And I can't feel my legs. But, there are beads: and lemons. And pinks.

oh smile smile smile: and corrupt numbness.

[so sorry].

SO sorry. sosorry.

<-------c o m b u s t.------->

For, I was supposed to call that man this morning. That man, oh. But it's still morning and I feel likerubbing my poor eyes back to bed.

Now I carefully mumble, "off I stumble."

grotesquerose @ 2005-05-05T08:26:00

2005-05-05T12:26:59Z

singCAESAR: elise. it's early. it's late. i get out of school at 1:45 tomorrow. i owe you a visit. ~ luke

(my respose, was a necessary: don't owe me a visit.

Owe us a visit.)